Ellen DeGeneres delivers the funniest monologue about the Oscars on Ellen on Wednesday so we are including it in it’s entirety right here:
“So the other day I told you what I did over the summer.
But I forgot to mention something pretty important, pretty big. I can describe it in one word – Oscar.
My neighbor Oscar finally got his braces off! He has perfect teeth so he only has to wear a retainer for two years.
And, in addition to that, I actually agreed to host the Academy Awards again. The last time I hosted was in 2007 and it was so fun. It was an honor. But it is a big decision and I really … They called and said how about it this year?
I was like it’s a big decision and I want to think about it. The way I deal with making big decisions. I think a lot of people do this. I make a pros and cons list.
I thought I would take you on a journey inside my mind, which is scary, hold on. I thought I’d read you some pros and cons from my list …
Pro: I get to perform in front of 60 million people.
Con: Oh my God, 60 million people watch that thing.
Pro: I’ll be invited to all the cool Oscar after parties.
Con: I like to be tucked in by 7:30.
Pro: Meryl Streep could get a record 17th Oscar nomination.
Con: Hashtag we’re over it Meryl.
Pro: A lot of fancy designers will approach me to wear beautiful, expensive gown of theirs.
Con: Ain’t no way in hell I’m wearing a gown.”