An extremely vulnerable Rihanna reveals that she’s still in love with her ex Chris Brown during an interview on Oprah’s Next Chapter.

On a recent trip to Rihanna’s native Barbados, the TV mogul got the feisty pop star to show her more tender and emotional side while talking about Brown. ”He was the love of my life. He was my first love,” Rihanna tells O, while admitting that she knows Brown is currently in a relationship.

The “Rude Boy” singer says that despite their turbulent history, the two remain friends, but being around him is never an easy thing. “It’s awkward because I still love him. My stomach drops [when I see him] and I have to maintain this poker face,” she continues. ”We love each other and we probably always will.”

Brown and Rihanna’s relationship came to an abrupt end in February 2009 after Brown brutally attacked her inside a parked car in LA’s Hancock Park neighborhood.